taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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