I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
