wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
