Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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