a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
