sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Randomize
