Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
