like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
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