Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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