So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
