i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
