Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
