Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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