Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
