you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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