Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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