I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
