Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
