I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
