accomplished twins. life is a go
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
