I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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