i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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