I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
