my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
