when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
