whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Pants are for mortals
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
