why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
