we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
