You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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