the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
