You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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