My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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