your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
