im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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