I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
