why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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