just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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