When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
