Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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