I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you mean i was at the winter classic?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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