Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
