I think I won the penis lottery.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
