I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
two words...techno handjob
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
