I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I need moral support for this bender
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
