I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
