It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
