hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
