in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You may now shotgun with the bride
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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