do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
