exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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