hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
